Adios

The end of blogger for me. I've moved on to tumblr. Not that I'll use that anymore than I used this...

I won't delete this though. I like some of the old posts. It's like old diary entries.

And I'm pretty sure I'm just talking to myself at this point.

Peace, love, and girl scout cookies for all.

Effort

It's been a while since I've actually been on this thing other than the whole formspring thing. But something came up yesterday, and I felt the need to write about it somewhere. Maybe it'll eventually end up on a facebook note, but the notion of that seems like a cry for attention to me. This is a tl;dr post. Brace yourself.

I was talking to my mom yesterday, and at one point, she told me that my whole life, I have never ever put in 100% effort into anything I did. I thought, "Well, when you put it like that, that sounds horrible." Surely I've put all my effort into something. And then we talked and listed things I've gone through: school, sports, maintaining friendships, etc.

I literally have never given anything my 100%, full effort. Ever.

In school, I just coasted through. It either came easy to me or I just couldn't give damn. I did just enough to get by, and my mentally was that if I did better than someone, anyone, I was okay. Sure, I've pulled all-nighters to study or do essays, but that was out of procrastination and an impending deadline. I never pushed myself to see what I was capable of doing or achieving. I got C's in high school partly due to difficult classes, mostly due to me being lazy and not bothering to do shit. My GPA wasn't the greatest, but it was still better than 90% of my grade. That was perfectly acceptable to me.

Sports always came naturally to me. And as hard as I worked at practice and in games for soccer, there was always more room to improve. I knew that just going to practice wasn't enough to keep me in shape or to keep my skills up to par, but I couldn't get myself to regularly go practice or workout out on my own time. Once in a while, I'd go running or go with my dad to the field and train but never on a regular basis.

Friendships are kinda funny to talk about. You don't really think of putting effort into them, but you actually have to to maintain them. I'm weird, to say the least. I am perfectly content on my own and left to my own devices. I don't need plans on a Friday or Saturday night. I would never make the effort to make said plans. Rather, I'd wait for someone to call me or enjoy lazing about. And I was fine with that. The friends I have now, especially going back to elementary and middle school, are some of the greatest people I can think of, and I am incredibly lucky to have them in my life. Our friendships have lasted so long nearly 100% due to them. They, for some odd reason, like having me in their lives, and I can't imagine my life without them. But if there came a time when communication began to dwindle and eventually cease to exist, I would not be the first one to pick up the phone. It's a sad truth.

So, my mom told me that one day, there will be something I have to do and in order to accomplish it, I would need to put my full effort into doing. And she said that hopefully by then, I would have already known the feeling of what that's like, otherwise I will probably fail at it. And that scares the absolute shit out of me. How do you start working hard enough that you know all your effort is being put to use? I surely have no clue.

People used to say that I was such a hard worker. False. I just tried to do everything (school, sports, going out, etc.), which made it look like I was working incredibly hard. Where I am today is purely based on natural ability and luck. My mom said, "Think of where you'd be had you put in all your effort in high school. You could be at some better school than USC." Then she asked me if I had the chance to go back and do it over to put said effort into my high school experience, would I. Without missing a beat, I told her "no." I enjoyed my time at high school, and I love where I am now. Could I have done greater things? Most likely yes. But the ride I've been on so far has had a little bit of everything and I can't see myself as enjoying it as much if I did anything differently. Hopefully, college will teach me a thing or two about working hard.

imitating the creeper that hit up Kimberly, what is your cup size?

Creep.

TBH, I can wear 3 different (consecutive, obviously) cup sizes. Although the middle one fits the best (obviously, again). I'll leave you to figure the rest out.

Be Brutal :)

Why are you just such a cutie pie?

I think you've mistaken me for someone else.

I'm the antithesis of cute. For real.

Let me direct your attention to the "little concentrated package of evil" response...

Be Brutal :)

why you say you black sheep in your family

Can I assume that this is Jade talking in her asian voice? :)

I guess it's not so much in my immediate family with whom I live but more for one side of our "extended" family.
I'm a girl who initially chose to play soccer over "Sunday" school for first communion because it was held on Saturdays when she had games.
I was/am also very tan from being in the sun and playing sports and whatnot which, if you know how chinese women are supposed to look like especially to find a suitable husband and all that jazz, is a big no-no.
I played sports in general. As a girl. Do you know how many asian chicks there were playing in organized sports at my age at the time? Few and far in between.
I was the first kid to "curse" in front of adults (I was 11 and I said "heck." You can't imagine the uproar.).
I was never preppy enough. Always wearing my sports gear or dark colors. I wore pink once to a get-together. I was told various times throughout that day to wear it more often.

Obviously, we've all gown up a bit and I'm not the only person who has done these things. But I was one of the first, so I think I'm still seen in that light. I've just always been different from what was expected in an asian family. Conformity is lame anyway :)

Sorry for the semi-long-ness.

Be Brutal :)

You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

My back's not itchy, but thanks anyway.

Be Brutal :)

what are some of your favorite things? whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles, etc. and some of your least favorite things?

I can probably go on and on and on about favorite and least favorite things, so let's keep it to 10 each...

Favorites: friends/family, music, soccer, sketching/doodling, purple, food (fatty, duh), beach trips, amusement parks, hugs laughing

Least favorites: people who lack common sense, auto-tuned one-hit wonders, close-minded people, running out of memory on my ipod, drama, finding something on sale and realizing it's not your size whatsoever, skinny/in-shape girls who think they're fat, needles, knee surgeries, back-stabbing/betrayals

Be Brutal :)

how many nicknames do you have?

I've never counted. Here's a list of what I can think of though...

Name: Tatiana

Nicknames: Tanya (duh), Tan, Tan-Tan, Tan-Tan the Man-Man, Tuna, Tunafish, Fish, Fishy, Fisherman-Bobberman-dude, Tunamelt, Tuna Balloona, T, Won-Ton, T-Unit, Tati, Tanz, Tanyasty, Bon-Ton, Ton-Bon, Fifi, Fiffles, Bitch, Skankbucket, Slut, Flying Midget, Gimp, Bionic Woman, Fatty (not the original, ha), Goalie #2, Cinnamon Buns, Mars, Chiki, Ninja, Moon

That many. Obviously, there are a lot that are inside jokes. Let me know if I forgot any, haha

Be Brutal :)

favorite dessert??

If I'm trying to be "healthy," any sort of parfait-type thing (yogurt, granola, fruit, etc.).

If I'm being a fatty (which is 97% of the time), I love cheesecake, ice cream/gelato, or those nutella-banana croissant things from il Tram.

Be Brutal :)

i failed physics again :(

It's okay. I did, too. Let's go get Bill and eat ice cream and celebrate our failure.

Be Brutal :)

if you are can i be your first if so can i be the best you ever had :)

Ahahaha

Unless you're my boyfriend, you're out of luck. Sorry.

Be Brutal :)

WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE PERSON WHO IS YOUR BESTIES ROOMIE!!! :)

You're all my favorite! Don't make me choooooose

Be Brutal :)

what school are they referring to?

North Shore High in Illinois, DUH!

How sad is it that I knew right away? -____-

Ask me anything

OMGSH TANYA HOW DO YOU KEEP FIGURING ME OUT?

I'm a ninja?

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU! (that doesn't make sense either...)

Be Brutal :)

do you even go to this school?

No. I just have a lot of feelings.

Be Brutal :)

what's one thing you would NEVER wear-- regular clothes not like dominatrix gear or something lets keep it clean

"Let's keep it clean"? Well, shit...

I think if you gave me any item of clothing, I would wear it. If it is really not my style or I am not feeling it at all, I'll cut it up, draw on it, and/or do anything to make it my own and wearable under my standards.

Except jean jackets. I don't do jean jackets. Or jean vests at that. Eh, I don't know. I'm sure there are a bunch of things that I won't wear or can't alter to my liking. I just can't think of them.

Be Brutal :)

NSYNC OR BACKSTREET BOYS?

ROSIE (amirite?)

Backstreet Boys fsho. Aren't they still semi-together? That kind of pushes them past NSYNC.

And Backstreet Boys songs are more fun for karaoke, of course.

Be Brutal :)

ok, first of all i resent the ariel bashing bonton. everyone knows physical attraction comes first. all that matters is that in the end they loved each other for real. and my real question, can i come to the beach too?? i need to get TANNN!

Ahahaha, not youu. Derr. You're my favorite Ariel :)

Anyone and everyone can come to the beach. No invites necessary. Being pale is a no-no.

Be Brutal :)

awesome

This isn't a question I can answer. Nor is it a comment to which I can respond...

Did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters, listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each others awesomeness?

That's all I got.

Be Brutal :)

on what occasions is it appropriate to use summers eve lady care

When your boyfriend's in a coma
From your panties' aroma

Summmer's eve. Douche.

ahahahaha

Be Brutal :)

Have my babies?

Only if we can raise them to be ninjas.

If they come from the womb as ninjas, that's even better.

Be Brutal :)

GET READY

BORN READY.

Be Brutal :)

Do you smoke weed?

Ehh, not really. Special occasions only. And even then, I have to be in the mood. :P

Be Brutal :)

who's your favorite disney princess???

Hmm... I've never really given it too much thought.

If she counted and actually was a princess, Mulan. Not because she's asian or anything but because she put others before herself (i.e. her dad), masqueraded as a dude, kept up with all the guys in the army, and was totally kickass fighting the Huns.

But since she's not considered one of the princesses, I think Belle is my favorite. She's smart, she reads (nerd connection? methinks yes), and she falls in love with someone not based at all on looks (*cough**ariel**cough*).

Favorite disney princess movie, however, is tied between Aladdin and Cinderella.

Be Brutal :)

What was your favorite AYSO team??

Are we talking regular teams or All Star teams?

Regular season would either be Red Ninjas or Coca Cola Polar Bears. Both had awesome names and awesome people. Arsenal is a close third, considering we won and all.

All Stars is a tie between Strikers and Ballaz. Both teams were the shit. Fo' realzz.

Be Brutal :)

name 3 top places you hope to visit in this lifetime...

Hmm... this is an interesting question because there are places I want to visit that I know I will be visiting eventually. So does that count as hoping? Ah well, they will be named.

1) Indo, for obvious reasons. I am lame and still haven't been. Family + Bali = good times.
2) Holland. Not just Amsterdam, people. I gots family there, too. Some of my favorite relatives live there. And, well, I'd make a stop in Amsterdam, too, I suppose xP.
3)Australia/New Zealand. Also have family there. And it seems like freakin' fantastic place to visit. People down under are awesome. I've made a couple friends from Sydney, and they're pretty rad :)

So yeah, first priority for traveling and what-not is definitely family. Because I lahvvv themm x)

Be Brutal :)

remember when trino liked you?

I would hope he still likes me, otherwise this friendship is a lie! :P

Yes, I'd like to think of that time as finding my long-lost brother without knowing he was my long-lost brother. There was obviously a connection there, but we mistook the brotherly/sisterly bond for something more than platonic. Fear not, we have since corrected it. Say no to incest, people.

Be Brutal :)

Favorite sport that's not soccer?

Volleyball, but I haven't played on an actual team since freshmen year of high school.

Ask me anything

have you seen my keys???!!??!!!!!????!!??

Hahahahahahaha, I think they're somewhere in the middle of a glow-in-the-dark, ghetto-ass mini-golf place. We may need to ask some people to help us find them ;)

Ask me anything

Random Questions?

No time to actually blog as I would like to. In lieu of legitimate posts, formspring questions will take place of my random bits of thought until I start being narcissistic once again to blog about my life. Until then, enjoy these sometimes-humorous, hopefully entertaining bits of honesty.

xoT

girl, why would you advertise the fact that you are borderline midget status that's the kind of fun fact you only bust out at awkward orientation sessions, etc

Nahh, awkward orientation sessions are for making up weird un-true facts about yourself. Borderline midget status is not much of a fun fact when I actually look... well, like a midget. :P

Ask me anything

TL;DR post

I haven't written about anything moderately serious in my last couple of entries (however long ago they were), but a thought struck me today (while I was in the shower, but that's an entirely separate barrel of fish) and I felt the need to "write" it down somewhere. And seeing as this is a surrogate journal for me... well, you get the picture.

KIDS: PROCREATION VERSUS ADOPTION

I had a conversation the other day with a dude about children, if I wanted them or not, which was really what sparked this whole thought process, and I happened to think back on it today.

Here's the thing: I don't see myself as a mother. I can't. I simply can't fathom the idea of being responsible for another human being's life. Maybe later on, sure, I may love the idea of having kids. But honestly, I'll be 19 in less than a week; I'm too young to be thinking about those sort of things. And it's a little scary and unnerving to hear some of my friends talk about it and all things encompassing it: marriage, the wedding itself, the number of kids, the name of them, what they would look like etc. I was never the girl to plan my dream wedding and perfect future family. But I digress. The point about this is children. And it struck me: no one ever mentioned how they would have kids. Would it be their own flesh and blood or would they adopt? And I, myself, attempted to tackle this situation in an unbiased fashion.

Adoption, to me, seems like the most fair and logical path, basing this only reason alone. You (and perhaps your significant other) want a child for which to love, care, and smother with happiness. There is a child out there who needs a home, needs that love. Easy math. Having kids of your own almost seems selfish, narcissistic. It's like you want your child, your actual genetic offspring. A mirror of half yourself. Then there's the whole fairness, feminist take on it. A woman going through all the pain of birth hardly seems comparable to the man who shot sperm inside of her, no?

But then again, having a child of your own, creating life, that is a beautiful thing. There is an underlying, instantaneous bond existing at first breath which truly cannot be replicated despite how much you love a child you adopted. It is man's finest work; every child is beautiful to those who conceive him or her. And isn't that the point of existence? To procreate and extend the lifetime of our species?

And then there's pulling an Angelina and doing both. That's a no-no to me. It's not fair to kids, IMO. The adopted child(ren) may think you don't love him/her as much, and your biological child(ren) may think that you're giving the other(s) more attention simply because he/she is adopted. There's the chance that this doesn't happen, but there's also the chance it does.

In my opinion, I'm too young to think about these things, but if I were to choose right now between procreation and adoption to have a child, I would adopt. If my future significant other would want to have our own child in the biological sense, though, I would be fine with that, too. I'm a tad ambivalent. I assume that later on if I want kids, I want kids. Method is not a concern.

It's strange, though. My mom thought the same thing. She didn't mind adopting, but my dad wanted a kid he genetically connected to, technically speaking. And here I am. This takes this discussion to a philosophical sense. What would everyone with whom I'd ever come in contact, be like today? Who would be the person in place of me now?

Then again, who would the hypothetical person my child would grow up to be if I choose not to adopt? The guy who I had the conversation which got me on this topic in the first place had mentioned if we had kids, they would probably look Asian (considering I'm full Asian and people have said he looks Asian despite him being Latino). Looks aside, those would probably end up being some smart kids: we're both honor students in the engineering school of our university. So, what would I be denying the world if I decided to adopt? On the flip side, what would I be saving the world from if I decided to adopt?

Something to mull over before heading to bed. A subject that is too complicated to think for someone who is too young to get her head in.

2010?

I apparently haven't posted a single thing since October... whoops.

In comes 2010 ("two thousand and ten"? "twenty ten"? "two zero one zero"? meh...) taking over everything 2009 left behind. What's to expect this year and decade? Hopefully not as many deaths. Perhaps a comedic movie that will surpass even the Hangover. Better grades for me? I pray that my 09 procrastination doesn't follow me into the new year...

Here's to fresh starts, new music, and many, many laughs along the ride.

But first, a tribute to James Owen Sullivan aka the Reverend Tholomew Plague, one of the greatest drummers who graced this earth. I wish I had been able to meet him or even seen him play live once. He seemed like a one of a kind character with the heart and passion to rival his drumming. Rest in peace and thoughts and love to his immediate family, the Avenged family, his wife, and the rest of the A7X fans who are mourning as well.