Friday, May 1, 2009

I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

*begin vent sesh'*

I feel. Period. ("period" Period "period"?) I cannot insert any one emotion at the end of that sentence. It's not so much an emotional rollercoaster but rather an emotional scrambler. You know those rides where you're in a little car-type thing and it spins you, and then you try to high-five your friend in the other car-type thing while the person running the thing is yelling at you to keep your hands inside the "vehicle"? Yeah, that scrambler. I have so many different feelings running amuck within me, and I've found no other satisfying way to sort them out other than here. We're being green here, people. No need for the use of paper.

Most prominent, I have been excited/happy/ecstatic about college. I'm going to (in my eyes) an amazing school, I have a roommate, and I'm registered for orientation in June. I can't believe it's all happening, graduation then college and such; it's so surreal... bringing up my next point.

I, as of recently, am scared. Not anxious. Not nervous. Flat. out. scared. It's not so much graduation (that goes under the excited category) but what happens after that. I'm not social by nature. I don't meet tons of new people; I make friends with individuals. The problem is that I don't make the effort to maintain said friendships. The friends I have now are basically family, but they're the ones calling me, never the other way around. I've met other people throughout high school, and even though I would call them "friends," they're more like "acquaintances" as horrible as that sounds. Don't lie to yourself; you know people like that, too. Back to why I'm scared: I have no idea what it will be like once everyone's gone for college. I'm fucking terrified that we'll lose contact with each other. Moreso that I will lose contact with them. And the sad thing is that I wouldn't do a thing about it. Just sulk in self-pity because I'm a self-loathsome kind of person, but I don't normally tell anyone that...

Moving on, I guess the other biggest feeling I've been having is frustration, non-menstrual cycle related (but who am I to say it didn't contribute?). As much as I love my friends, they piss me off sometimes. Yes, I am aware this is completely contradictory to what I said above. I think I just have a short bullshit-tolerance level, and I definitely have a barely-there lack-of-common-sense tolerance. Prom sucks. People who flake suck. People who don't realize that this is senior year and that we will not have another experience like this all together again suck. I'm willing to delve into my own pocket and savings to make sure we can all do this, but some people have too much pride, while others refuse help. I'm kind of sick of everything already. If I hadn't paid for everything, I would consider not going and returning to my shell of anti-social-ness. But I did, so I won't, and I'll have to deal.

There's a little anxiety flowing around, too, what with APs being next week and all. That's not so much a big deal since I'm technically in college already. But passing = credits = less courses = less money that has to be spent. OR passing = credits = more space for elective courses = opportunity to actually continue drawing and art.

On a side note with no identifiable emotion that I can think of is the feeling of always being a black sheep. Even when I somewhat fit in somewhere, there's always something to set me apart. But I guess that's what makes everyone else unique, huh? I don't know. Sometimes, I wonder if I landed myself in the wrong group of friends, not that I would change anything. I really do love them. But this is a post for another day, I suppose...

Bah, this was too long. And it doesn't even cover everything. But it covers the majority of it, I guess. And it helped get things off my chest. Music is my boyfriend and is doing a fan-fucking-tastic job of keeping me sane at the moment. I need to go to a live show, stat. It's been too long since my ears have been pierced by the sounds of guitars, bass, drums, and screams.

The title of this post has been brought to you by the lovely gentlemen of My Chemical Romance. My sanity thanks you, Mr. Way, Mr. Way, Mr. Iero, Mr. Toro, and Mr. Bryar.

*end vent sesh*

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